"C" My Blog...

Samadhi realization.

2009-07-02T07:57:00.000-07:00

Google search is such a good friend! Every time I need an answer to something, it's right there to offer guidance, and expects nothing in return. Amazingly, it is google above every human I've known to which I have complete faith. You can't trust in humanity, and we are not on Soror, (a distanced planet), so we gotta make due.

Seeking relief from a disturbing emotional state.... a state I considered one of “suffering” I asked the universe to provide some answer to why I was feeling this way, and what was happening to me. I asked the Tarot, astrology, and God without response. The answer finally came in the form of a whisper speak from my angels. (I could say that a tremendous energy enveloped my body, and a true peace was absorbed into my essense, but I'm thinking the angels are an easier explanation.) While the answer completely ended my “suffering” so to speak at the time, it also provided an experience, a realization of an aspect of the nature of understanding itself. That is understanding ends suffering. The more comprehensive the understanding, the greater its impact on a persons life.

In pondering this, I recalled a quote that I had read and remembered from so many years ago that is directly related to this. Finding it through my trusty Google search, I discovered it was attributed to the philosopher Spinoza. Interestingly, although I had read it many times, I had not realized before what it had truly meant. Here it is:

“Emotion, which is suffering, ceases to be suffering as soon as we form a clear and precise picture of it.”

The statement “…a clear and precise picture of it” is a way of describing a mode of understanding or knowing, or for all intensive purposes, of knowledge itself.

Now, I have been accused of over analysing things, and taking too much time to find answers to things that to others means absolutely nothing, but this was one of those philosophical moments that realy got me thinking. I suffer, because I do not understand the reason, the why and wherefore of my condition, my suffering. The why I am feeling and experiencing what can only be assumed to be the "human condition".

Culturally, it appears that instead of seeking to discover, to understand the nature of our suffering, our unhappiness and the feelings and behavior we are responsible for, we tend to quickly label the emotional suffering as something bad, wrong, problematic and so forth as disease, as something to be cured, treated, medicalized. In effect, to be gotten rid of as quickly as possible.

Understanding is obviously power. Knowledge is power. I've spent the last few days trying to figure it all out, and descided that I am going back to get a degree in Phsychology. It's always been in the back of my mind, right from the time I was in limbo from high school that it was the ideal position for me then, and i never did listen to the school quack when I was advised that I was ideal for phsychology.

Sure wish I'd had this moment of understanding 15 years ago, before I tried to fill the empty spaces in my consciousness with meaningless love affairs, go nowhere jobs, pharmaceuticals and relationships with people who's only thoughts were of themselves, and how I coukd help better thier lives.

While difficult to put into words what I am trying to convey, a Sufi sage puts it this way...
“In the transcendental dimension of consciousness, one is seeing the cause behind the cause and the purpose behind the purpose. It is reaching beyond the world of causes until you reach a place where there is just the meaningfulness behind the whole universe, without any consciousness of the universe. It’s like that state which is mentioned in the sequel of Life after Life, where the people returning from a clinical death get to such a state of omniscience that there are no facts to understand: there’s just an understanding of understanding. This very high degree of realization is what is called samadhi.”
(Pir Vilayat Inayat Khan, Retreat Manual of the Sufi Order, P I-31)

Once again, Google didn't let me down.

Love this song!

2009-06-27T10:09:00.001-07:00

Pussywillows and roses....

2009-06-19T13:00:00.000-07:00

Feeling a bit nostalgic today... Realized that I'm becoming more of a travelling gypsy than I ever thought possible.

I have listened to this music since childhood and just had to post them....

Holy Hanna I should NEVER smoke mary!

2009-06-12T18:56:00.001-07:00

My new book is coming based on what to eat throughout the day, based on the senses, and aromatheropy.
Cooked meals to entice your lover.
Based on the belief systms of a 20th century woman...
Using 21st century spices, etc.
Then, I could break down astrologically to change a mindset, utilize the strategic placement over the city of Calgary....
This was when I descided to write on my blog.
Just what the hell did that girlfriend of mine just put in that pipe?
Damn her! Love you!

Girls will be Girls...

2009-05-26T12:57:00.000-07:00

I've had it! Totally, completely, 100 percent had enough, HAD IT!
I've been following this blog for sometime at this site; sasstrology.com. For some reason or another, when I'd posted a comment, oh, perhaps a year ago, I was signed up to get followups from the site. It is out of control now. I get 3-8 comments a day, from these girls who've been snowballed by a Taurus.

Lacking confidence, destroyed self-esteem, Crazy in love with a Taurean male. Meh.
Did you settle that Karmic debt yet girls?!

Uhum.

So today I decided is the day I let them all in on a little secret. Don't give your heart to a Taurus. Simple, uncomplicated answer to a rather ongoing issue in all these girls minds. One girl asks, "If I back off from a Taurus man, will he want me more?" Another, "Should I chase him? They can be hard to get." Oh boy.
My answer to them was pretty abrupt and to the point, but really, if they really understood any mans mind, would they not just completely give up?! Wear a Habit? Buy a toy for every day of the year? (Oh wait, I know someone like that!)

That is my two sense anyway.

Not much else going on. Girlfriend with the sallow hubby is seeing boytoy '24' (referring to his age!). Go, go, Cougar, go! That's pretty much all, except my latest fascination with web development. That, and this crazy word I've got in my head from a video I saw some time back. "Booyaa". hehe

Systems... Mostly Operational.

2009-05-22T23:38:00.000-07:00

Been a few days since I last wrote on here. First piece of news, no I didn't land the job, so I did not buy my new set of curlers.
That in itself wouldn't necessarily be a big thing, but if one could see my hair...
I'm starting to look like a saggy bush monkey on crack. Ok, time to put my glasses on.

much better.

So, my girlfriend and I were thinking about capitalizing on the stupidity of her husband. He refuses to have sex with her, going to every length to avoid it, actually, and she is beside herself tryin to figure out why. He had a vasectomy! He purposely goes days without batheing or brushing his teeth so that his filthiness causes her to become revolted and digusted with his cleanliness standards. She refuses contact of any kind, so he wins. Bugger!

He texts her on her cell, telling her, "find a boyfriend"! So, like any friend would, today, I gave her an out. I know it's terrible, right?! I sent her a text saying,"so tonight we're going out to find you a man, huh?! nudge, nudge, wink, wink". to which she immediately replied. "Thanks". Ok, so maybe I'm a bit of an overthinker, but my instincts told me that she'd shown this message to her hubby.

She texted me again saying she's out on a date. Ugh. Now I have no ethics? It kinda makes me wonder just when the hell it was that I lost my ETHIIIICS!!

I've always believed in honesty in relationships. I've always believed that with communication and compromise, if there is love, all things can be resolved. there is always a but, huh?! BUT I had this visual (out of body experience feeling),of tartar build up, body odour, the putrid hot boxing this lovely lady has endured, and well, I lost it.

He had mentioned in front of others that any man can have her for a case of beer. He doesn't care who she chats with online. Has no interest in her whatsoever. So, what I proposed was we create a blog for her. Always enterprising, I suggested a p.o. box where donations can be made to her to leave the hubby. Beautiful girl, bit of a nympho, likes younger guys. She'd be a catch. With one tiny exception. ok, four actually. She has four little bundles of joy.

So, this gave me the idea to write it down on my blog.
I forget the domain name we came up with, but it was cute.
Maybe some day we'll devise the ultimate business idea to make her rich, and get her into a happier situation. One where a little nookie is involved, and she isn't staying with an abusive man, just because they have kids together.

Oh dear.

Old fashioned values, new technology.

2009-05-20T07:10:00.000-07:00

I am getting ready for an interview for a position that'll take me away from contracting, but these days, having steady employment and cash in ones pocket is a little more important than having fun.

So I put curlers in one side of my head because the roller set I bought isn't large enough to cover my whole head at once. Would be nice to afford another set...
I was thinking today I am landing a job, and just might reward myself for landing it with a new set of rollers.

Here I go! :)

It's On!!

2009-05-19T12:14:00.000-07:00

The City of Calgary has seen to give me YET ANOTHER ticket for parking! This time, I was waiting in my car to pick someone up downtown, and didn't even get out of my car! They still consider this parked? They claim that I am to pay to sit there, for ANY amount of time!

Just what the hell has this city come to?! Where someone pulls up on a street that miraculously has a spot open only to discover a week later that even 'waiting' entitlement is not granted?! I am so waiting for my court notice, and fighting this bugger!

I'll get you my pretties, I'll get you!

Dinner and a search on the Net...

2009-05-18T17:50:00.000-07:00

I performed a search today while reading up on stupid yucky ip technology upgrades they've done to Vista and Server 2008, and have come across an amazing name for a domain!

technicalgoulash.com

Come on guys! why hasn't someone scooped this up yet?!
Maybe I will! News to come.

LMAO

Breakfast time yet?!

2009-05-16T09:33:00.000-07:00

My brother phoned, informing me that once again, I let him down. You know, I don't deserve to be treated like I'm the reason dad is gone. No, 'cause that excuse wouldn't be the truth. It was the alcohol. I will never, as god is my witness favor one child over another, assuming i have kids.

So, my plan is to stay focused, and determined to make a life for myself that is uncomplicated. I may be poor, but I have dignity.

... I don't need no arms around me
And I don't need no drugs to calm me.
I have seen the writing on the wall.
Don't think I need anything at all.
No! Don't think I'll need anything at all.
All in all it was all just bricks in the wall.
All in all you were all just bricks in the wall....

Silver Linings Abound!

2009-05-13T16:43:00.000-07:00

I am an Independant Contractor! Tomorrow is my first shift, and i get to bill more than an employee because they are not hiring me, they are hiring my work. Can't wait!

For all your IT Needs 'C' Christina. :)

Rebranding Calgary: 'The City IN YOUR BACK POCKET'

2009-05-07T07:54:00.000-07:00

You want to discuss a new slogan for the City of Calgary?! I've got the BEST! Because it is true. You can't defeat the truth!

Ok, I have to say, the City of Calgary is beginning to REALLY PISS ME off!
The other day in the comfort of my car on my usual route to work, I followed my usual path to the Barlow LRT station and met various warning signs telling me that I was attempting to park on Private property and my car runs the risk of a tow job.
I was not surprised. The city of Calgary has been in Our back pockets all along.

Ok, maybe not just the City Of Calgary, Maybe the Federal, and Provincial Governments too.... They just keep raising prices for everything! When is it going to be fair?!

Like, the one thing that was always fair, was having that one secluded location, convenient to the LRT that was always free. Today, the feeling of security is gone now, in knowing that my familiar free spot has been closed off!
They now have signage splashed everywhere indicating the City can enforce the parking privileges on any individual, on privately owned property that has allowed parking for as long as I can remember, and is now preventing access based on Bullying tactics.

I understand that we are in a recession here, but give people a break! It is not just about making money for the city, though it sure feels like it!. Individual Calgarians need a break from unnecessary costs too! The city should have been smarter about the budget when we were in a boom economy, then we would not have these issues now! People are already fighting back, by parking on city blocks to avoid the parking fees. More people are driving because the costs are just as high to park on a free street closer to work, than taking the LRT and paying the ridiculous parking fare. This is going to have a bigger impact than on our back pockets too, with the greenhouse gas emissions! Well the city of Calgary is certainly not helping in this aspect, it is only making it worse. There have to be some alternative measure that will help the environment as well as the people of the city, this parking enforcement is simply not a justified means!

This morning was the last straw for me... Right at the edge of the City of Calgary LRT Parking area, was an LRT Van, with lights on, just sitting there. One doesn't need to be a genius to figure out that they were waiting for someone to challenge them by parking in the lot, so of course, there were no cars in the lot! Here's what i suspect they were doing, based on the CITY OF CALGARY signage indicating your car can be towed away while on private property.... They put up the signs to make people fear having their cars towed with INTIMIDATION TACTICS, so they are forced through FEAR to park on the LRT property and PAY their REQUIRED parking fee of 3$, because heaven forbid that 'Ole Betsy be taken to the impound lot!

I DO have something to say to the city of Calgary about this Parking 'Enforcement'...

ANOTHER HUMAN RIGHT HAS BEEN TAKEN.
The right to a free parking spot.

You know, I like to get kissed
BEFORE I'M FUCKED!

And get your damned hands out of my back pocket! I'll pay when I damned well feel like paying.

For my Lawyer: "Emotional Duress" ...

Good Day!

2009-03-16T10:38:00.000-07:00

Classic!

2009-03-02T13:45:00.000-08:00

The last few days have been brutal, but I did make it through.
With the support of friends, I made it through with a renewed hope, and the vision to see potential in the world.
All it took was realizing that nothing defines me, but me.
Not my car, nor the clothes i wear, or the fancy toys I buy, can define who I am as a person, or the love that I am capable of sharing in this world.

I wanna get away...

2009-02-26T09:29:00.000-08:00

If there was ever a day to get outta Dodge, this is it!

What better place than Belize! Like I would be that impulsive!

love is in the air....

2009-02-05T12:46:00.000-08:00

Every year year on February 14th, St. Valentine's Day, gifts of flowers, chocolates and terms of endearment will be delivered to loved ones all around the world. Nearly every delivery will be met with happiness, whether the arrangement of flowers is artistically unique, or a simple, single long-stemmed rose; or if the chocolates are white, dark or filled with cream or nuts people will be delighted to recieve these tokens of love. Why are these symbols so well accepted by society? Becuase I am opinionated on certain things, I'd like to say, it's because WE as humans created the enigma that drives these silly traditions.

Love and passion are often metaphorically referred to as 'fire'. So we use fire in communicating the feelings of when a romance when it is "kindled", the "burning desire" or the "flames of passion", need occasional "fuel" to keep them alive, lest they fade to "dying embers".

Food and fuel are metaphorically interchangeable, "feed the fire","Fuel for Kids". It would then come as NO surprise to find metaphorical equivalents of "food for love" in the 'sacrificial' process of Valentines gift giving. Everything in love could be construed as metaphorical.

Chocolates are full of sugar, and sugar full of energy. So full, that chocolate bar manufacturer Mars now refers to them as energy bars. What?! Their recent commercials are sexual, and energetic. Why not? The hormone phenethylamine (PEA) abounds in chocolate, which produces the same sensation as being in love, and this hormone is required for a womans survival. Chocolates, then, are fuel for both the mental and physical aspects of romance. Small wonder that men offer it to women by the heavy boxful.

Flowers grow in the spring. This time for reproduction among plants, is also quite popular among animals. Humans call this "spring fever". That we give a gift that visually suggests that love is in season is only part of the passion-feeding story. Flowers have a scent that is the essential ingredient of perfume - perfume, which, according to virtually every advertisement, somehow commands a sexual response. Pheromones, a chemical "your place or mine?" are thought to be the means of expressing sexual-appetite in both successful perfumes and successful body odours. Finally, we find ourselves giving specifically roses, flowers which are coloured red, on Valentine's day, a colour choice which, on further reflection, seems no coincidence at all.

Our very symbols of passionate love... the hearts and the colour red - universally fuel our Valentine's Day cards. When passionately aroused, our hearts will pound, filling our faces with blood and readying us for the passionate expressions indicative of joyful bliss. The rhythm of the heart echoes in the romantic music playing on every radio station destined to make the single person lonely, and crave distraction. The red and the heart are no metaphor. They are a direct representation of the physical effects of passion, food for primal thought.

Valentine's Day is a day that we make offerings to our loves... not our loved ones. Love is treated as a God, which, though taking no physical form, has all the demands of a living creature. Chemically, we feed the passion with the pheromones found in flowers and perfume, and the hormone found in chocolate. Visually, we give the sexual "ready and willing" signal with the colour red and flowers. Energetically, we provide the bounty of sweets for the sweet. Physically, we show a heart and listen to music, to bring to mind the throbbing sensation of passionate love. Words of deepest sentiment will fill our Valentine's cards, expressing every word a soul needs to hear to survive: "You're special", "I love you" and "I need you". In all, our gifts reflect the things of love so well, that all they need is a body to possess. Love is our master, and saviour, and we must make sacrifice to this God on Valentine's Day.

Because if we don't...

The Music Died.

2009-02-04T12:38:00.000-08:00

So much to say, so little time!:)
Every day, day after day, I go into work with a sense of doom. I'll listen to music in my bedroom, and then in the car on my way into work to get motivated, and with no music to guide my day, I find alot of times I'll simply go to youtube, and find a song that I like, and It'll play in my head usually all day long. Thus the reason for the song a day each time on my blog. Music is my inspiration.

I suggested to a friend long ago, before this blog was created that I wondered how cool it would be to look back at a persons life with a song a day and a story, and recently experienced the nostalgia affiliated with this idea, because I've been doing it since. Reading through some old posts, reminded me of so much of my life and experiences that I had no need for a song this morning.

American Pie in my head, and the feeling of loss associated with knowing that you have lost someone very special in friendship or love, of which I have lost much of, I was guided to work with a sense of purpose. Following my life coach, I descided to write today and get everything off my chest that has been bothering me, so I'm here.

It's just you and me, empty blog space, and I am gonna make this good, cause this is what they call closure. Or Growth. Take your pick.

When I have been ousted, I consider it a blow to my ego, and so the last few weeks, ego guiding me, I've been making terrible mistakes and doing to other people what I would consider unforgivable if in the situation myself. I have felt guilty though.

So I went on facebook, and wrote a simple note that I can access from my newly acquired Blackberry. The nightmare device that I bought with the intent of preventing two people from chatting. Now I know there is a fat chance of that happening. They will chat, hell they might even meet for coffee, or fuck?.

... Then I realized that if Karma has a hand in it, my feelings of happiness will end with that scenario anyway, so let that Bitch (Karma) roll. Go Bitch Go! I figure, I am not letting ego guide me. Nope. I am not money, or my job, or this blog, or my friends, or anything. I am ME. The me writing this retarded little note that nooone will read anyway! But I don't care! I am not my Ego, dying to be recognized for my writing abilities and have fans swooning my site. Well, ok, in all fairness, that would be nice! That is not the PURPOSE of this blog.

I finally figured out the purpose, and when it hit me I literally stopped dead in my tracks. It's so that when I am gone, whether it be drowned in the bathtub, over a cliff, or cancer in old age, there is a record of my life, and the people I loved.

This is what I wrote this morning;

There are subtle, and not so subtle differences between Ego and confidence that people should be aware of. The reason I am mentioning this in a note is this... Everyone wants to be noticed, loved, and appreciated, however, the ego self in some people, myself included, gets out of control! Sometimes a reminder is required of the body language in yourself that displays an egotistical version of self.

Check your body...

Ego uses the mouth a lot, the ears a little.
Confidence uses the ears a lot, the mouth a little.

Confidence uses the knees and hips sometimes to kneal down when where needed,
Ego doesn't.

Both have strong backbones, but Confidence's can bend sometimes as needed,
Ego's is unbending and sometimes must find out how brittle it really is.

Ego's hands are hard and cold like steel and often can hurt others
Confidence's are firm, but always wrapped in velvet gloves and ready to help hold others rather than crush them.

And what they do....
Ego talks about doing, but does little, and when ego indeed does something it's usually just for self only.
Confidence talks little about doing, but rather does a lot, and when confidence does things usually many benefit.

Ego frequently seeks praise of men.
Confidence knows the true reward is elsewhere.

It's pretty amazing when you start to realize the errors in behavior that hold a person back. Never again, will I let any man diminish me, and the differences between the ego and confidence are now burned into my memory for eternity.

Here we go.

2009-01-30T08:37:00.000-08:00

That's pretty much all I can say today.

Wandering thoughts...

2009-01-18T19:15:00.000-08:00

Welcome to the age of social disconnect and technological advancement that is so efficient that countless details on potential paramours are only a Google search or an hour of Facebook or MySpace investigation away...

I entered an old plentyoffish profile that I'd forgotten about until it was brought up by someone I knew. Someone that I have been enamoured with for a long time. I knew the gods would punish me somewhere along the way for believing that sex before marriage is forgivable if I someday find the right man and actually wet my toes in a marriage. I had blew it because now there was no trust. Oh well, The dating world isn't exactly the place for me anyway. With the absence of the one man destined to me for life, I need to be out and about meeting people. And like all the other singles outthere I'm thinking what better way than online, and in my nighty? Or if the mood strikes... Nothing at all?! :)

At my age, I often find myself yearning for the past, where I imagine that courtship consisted of a guy breaking into song, (and possibly the charleston), to woo a girl. (That's what I learned from Grease, anyway). Call me an exception in today's world, but dance numbers aside, I would rather have a guy pass me a nervously scribbled piece of paper than get the condensed text message version: "hey u wna chill sat nite with me?" Ugh. There is just something so cold and inmpersonal about receiving text messages like this.

I long for the days when guys had to bend over backward to get a girl's attention, rather than just posting shirtless pictures on their Facebook profiles and waiting for the adoring comments to pour in. I guess I'm finally starting to feel comfortable in my skin, in knowing that noone is going to make up my otherhalf, and just to prove it, I've told all the men on facebook that I have no interest in them. I have to be whole before I get involved with anyone. This is my lesson. I get to be alone for my entire life because I'll never be able to trust completely any man who says he loves me. I even almost cancelled my facebook account to prove this point.

Despite my reluctance, however, to embrace this whole technological dating BS, I realize that we live in the age of technology and I love my Facebook as much as the next person does. So, I am sticking it out, like all the single, or inconclusive in relationship status people out there. Not desperate, just... still believing that love can transcend anything, even mistrust.

Sad songs say so much...

2009-01-18T18:55:00.000-08:00

I have been abandoned by my friends, because they disagree with a relationship choice I made. Today I spent hours alone listening to music, and came to a conclusion, sometimes sad music helps. I must be strong or something.

Guess there are times when we all need to share a little pain
And ironing out the rough spots
Is the hardest part when memories remain
And it's times like these when we all need to hear the radio
`Cause from the lips of some old singer
We can share the troubles we already know

Turn them on, turn them on
Turn on those sad songs
When all hope is gone
Why don't you tune in and turn them on

They reach into your room
Just feel their gentle touch
When all hope is gone
Sad songs say so much

If someone else is suffering enough to write it down
When every single word makes sense
Then it's easier to have those songs around
The kick inside is in the line that finally gets to you
and it feels so good to hurt so bad
And suffer just enough to sing the blues

Sad songs, they say
Sad songs, they say
Sad songs, they say
Sad songs, they say so much

Bye, Bye!

2009-01-07T07:03:00.000-08:00

Whew! We finally said "bye-bye!" to 2008!

2008 was an abysmal, botched, cataclysmic, depressing, egregious, frustrating, grinding, hellish, impossible, jagged, knackered, losing, messed-up, no-good, odious, perplexing, questionable, ravaging, squandered, tedious, unbelievable, vexing, worrying, neurotic, yowling, zippo of a year.

"Good riddance" I say!!!

I for one am hoping the new year is better.

On another note...
www.webnetcwn.com or rather, Web Net Global still has yet to send me a check for the 8000 dollars I invested in 2000! Past the five year mark, I cannot claim capital losses, so I am sending them a juicy letter from my lawyer this year! Yes, boys and girls 'Projected' is the correct statement from the Canadian Securities Commission, and not the 'Expected' I was advised in SEVERAL e-mail notifications sent to me in the past. That, children is a securities breach subject to 5 years for each count, or fines up to 100,000 for each case of securities fraud and I have over 100 people CC'd on the e-mail messages. Wonder how much they would like to see our President Greg Carrington behind bars? hmmmm. Do I hear the pitter patter of a tin cup digging through a jail cell?! Greg Carrington, not all of us are uneducated with investing. I just waited a longer time to descide to go US and sue.

2009, here I come!

Life is an Elton John song...

2008-12-30T12:29:00.000-08:00

Woot, Woot...

2008-12-28T17:08:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas

2008-12-25T10:01:00.001-08:00

My tribute to my father at Christmas. Wherever you are....

Monday.... Oh Joy!

2008-12-22T15:55:00.001-08:00

I found this video online, and figured I should add it here. I'm not in a terrible mood, yet. Lets see if my car starts!